Me vs Me

My insides are the battleground of every war ever waged, every fight ever fought, every duel that ever was, all at once. Villains and heroes alike, together and alone they fight. Cowboys and Indians, gunfighters, and there are no sides, no rules, no allies, and like every difficult change in my life, it is me vs me.

I am so lucky to feel life the way I do. This pain that pummels me from every side, never letting up, is something to stand tall for. I embrace it with tears of understanding and compassion. It is proof that I gave my whole heart to someone I love, unconditionally, and no matter how great the fear of doing that was, I did it anyway, the fear of this very feeling, of pure broken sadness and excruciating pain, I did it anyway, and it was worth every fucking moment. I will do this forever, because I have never known anything greater than love, and, for the first time in my life, this love is starting with me.

Now it is Saturday evening, and I am sitting on my front porch, drinking a can of my favorite beer, Simpler Times, eating beef jerky, finishing my new book, writing a new blog, watching all the love in this world pass by my house, knowing I already have all the love I need, I'm watching this beautiful sky turn down, and I’m sitting here alone, forgetting about all that I am sad about, and I am opening my arms back up to the world, and when the sadness comes back, which for now it will, I will open my arms back up to me.

It starts like this.

It starts like this. CHAPTER 14 ~ The Boner Years Cont'd, page 231, the last sentence on the page and also the last sentence in the chapter...

And that was that, I lost my virginity at age 14 to a girl I would never speak to again, who I would dodge for the next four and a half years, whose name I would never tell anyone, ever, a girl who thought she was pregnant moments after we both had sex for our first time, because her sister told her that if you bleed after sex you are pregnant, and I would hear her say this to her best friend from the bathroom at my cousin's house, moments after we both had sex for our first time, while I played Nintendo, to help take my mind off the confusing discovery that had just occurred, or maybe I just wanted to play Nintendo, "My sister told me if you bleed after sex you are pregnant", and after hearing this I jumped on my bike, raced home, not realizing she probably wasn't pregnant for the obvious reason that I never had an orgasm, literally, not even completely sure of what an orgasm was, and I pedaled like mad up Alta hill, thinking of the boy I was going to raise, because of course it would be a boy, a great BMXer like me, with inflated curly hair, and no shirt, ever, only shorts, I thought of that boy and..., and oh my fucking god the disappointment from my family, the Greek community torn apart, the Francis' anchored in the middle of the sea, the taking away of my phone, at the very least call-waiting and three-way. ...to be continued in the short story THE WAY WE DID it, by JG Francis

CHAPTER 15 ................. Fireworks and Heroes

Lovers

My socks are exhausted lovers on the floor. One draped on top the other, both deep asleep, happy to be together. I want to be a dirty sock. I want to be on the floor.

Me.

I am tired. I am sad. I am broken. But I am also true of heart.
Alive.
Hopeful.
Extraordinary.

These baby steps are growing further and further apart, and I foresee in my new future the earth bounding strides I have so patiently waited for.

I have once again, changed.

Been alive long enough to know I will never be defeated. I have no regrets. I will never give up. I will always say never. And I will never stop loving this world.

Because this world will never stop loving.
Me.

God - I love that guy!

Every once in a while God pulls out all the stops and punches you in the fucking face. Gina Auterre's breasts in 6th grade, the loss of my father to brain cancer, lightning slicing a tree down before me, all of these, and others, knocked me out, cold. We are generally too distracted by everything in life, literally, pick any of the infinite distractions, to recognize the magnitude of life's simplicities, like a dandy lion or mud. But occasionally, the universe offers up an undeniable grand slam, and our destiny is upon us.

Today I was walking the streets of Los Feliz, pleading for peace between the crashing hemispheres of my sobbing mind, and there it was. Just like that. An uppercut that jerked me to tears and laid me flat on my back. Squibbly blue and yellow chalk, three quotes, on the sidewalk below me. They read:
"One often meets his destiny on the road he travels to avoid it."
"Remind yourself of who you are."
"Here it comes!"

There are moments in all our lives that should not be conveyed to the world through the injustice between emotions and words, and because of this, I shall leave my feelings today as sacred. What came of this is more important anyway. Everything is a God-punch to the face, not just the obvious miracles. Everything is a fucking miracle. That in itself is happiness.

Self-titled debut

I daydream perpetually about giving my everything to anything. To bring my greatest passion to the forefront of my life, with the sole purpose of experiencing, completely. To give my whole heart.

That is what this blog is going to be about, my life wholehearted, and what that means to myself and the world around me.

What will come of this?...