Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I'm too young to die.

(there's really no need to read any further, I only posted this so I can continue to breathe...When I come out of all this, please say I will come out of all this, I will write stories of inspiration and hope, love and heroes... I hope those interested will bare with me.)

Today is April the 22nd and I want nothing more than to destroy this pain. I want out when the only way to go is in. I want to destroy anything already dead. I want to chop wood. I want to do this alone. Sad and strong as I can be. I want to hold an axe bare in my hands and destroy anything that is already dead. Momentarily, I want to destroy everything I see. I want to tear this house down to the ground, pound it into the earth, bury it to the core of this planet with my fists. I want to remove my brain and give it to the wolves, put my heart in its place. I am so fucked up. I want nothing more than to destroy this pain. I want out when the only way to go is in. Deeper and deeper, alone. I know I've had harder days than today, but I can only remember one, 4 years ago. I cried this afternoon in a way that scared me. Sounds that from my experience you only hear upon death. I'm too young to die. I want to tell my story. For the love of fucking fuck, this can't be how I die. I'm too young to die. My hands are the only thing on me that look old, and that's because they have aged prematurely due to all the world changing I've done. Let go of me you crazy fuck. I will claw your fucking eyes out before I let you put me down in that grave. Just fucking let go. I will do this on my own. Alone. I will be that much more amazing when it's done. I want to feel someone against me right now, to take away all of this pain, to give my heart to to distract me from all this pain, I could choose that route in a second, but the reward will come by doing this alone. I've been there for everyone else the past 20 years, but never have I been here for me. The fear of all of this god... the fear. Believing I only need me. Making decisions that are tearing my guts out because they are so hard and difficult, that is how I know they are so right, that is how I will create something better. A new life with a new me. Medicating myself with someone else? No, I am the only medicine I need.

(3 hours later)
Yesterday I started a new short story. It's about a man who has lost his mind, so he transplants his heart to take the place of his brain. I think it is my greatest piece of writing, ever. I bet if I still had a girlfriend I wouldn't have written my greatest piece of writing, ever. Maybe I should start to rant about things of this sort instead? Yeah, I better keep some of my dirty laundry hidden, and instead rant about (((WHY THE F DOES EVERYONE HAVE A DOG?)))...oh crap. There go 3 of my 7 readers right there. Sorry, but "pets are not the answer." ~bumper sticker

1 comment:

  1. It is amazing to me that our best work comes after our most difficult times. You will persevere through this time and emerge stronger. I am always here if you need, even if you do hate my dog. Keep writing J.G.