Monday, May 4, 2009

Said girl

I decided not to publish any writing lately until I had something positive to say, so, after eight days and 32 unpublished entries, brace yourself, I'm about to go off on how rad I am.

For the two years prior to 8 weeks ago, I defined myself through someone else. No, scratch that. For the 20 years prior to 8 weeks ago. Here's how it generally works; (note: I am using the present tense "works" because it will help the following stream of thoughts flow easier , that said, I should be using the past tense "worked" because I will never let the following happen again). So again, here's how it generally works; I meet girl, said girl is attractive, from there I find out said girl is amazing too; artistic, smart, funny, mindblowingly ablaze in bed, and so on. I charm said girl with laughter, wit and curls, among other things (like a secretly amazing body which is "accidentally" not so secret anymore when I stage an all too soon shirtless event), all of these charismatic bewitcharies are gifts I received from god, which make up for any gifts I didn't receive from god, thank you god, the result, said girl unravels to tell me (usually within 30 days) I'm the most amazing guy of all time and she loves me with every aching fiber of her exploding being. From there I cherish said girl's love for me, or destroy it, depending on a complicated number of factors which are not important to the point, which is that I don't really love myself, instead just define myself through someone else, also known as said girl, anyway, I believe said girl, I believe all the extraordinary things said girl tells me I am, because it is easier to believe said girl than to love myself, I blame my father for this, then I blame others, then I realize I'm 35 and alone, finally I blame myself, back to said girl, I use how amazing said girl is to make myself feel amazing, after all, amazing said girl is with me, but this creates a dependent, insecure, and ultimately false sense of my own amazingness, it's all backward, I'm a cliche' who needs to love himself first, but said girl is backward too, which makes it difficult for both of us to see this, several years later we relinquish to canceling each other out through an unfortunate betrayal of power struggling events, we break up, the cycle repeats, until now.

As it turns out, I really am that heartbreakingly amazing guy all those awesome babes kept telling me about. Had I not been such a selfish, wreckless, baby I would have realized years ago that it would only take me 8 weeks to figure that out. Granted, the magnitude and weight of how hard the past 8 weeks have been cannot be measured against any other experience in my life, that would only make the past 8 weeks seem trite. There is no doubt I am still suffering over the reminders of my past love, but I am committed to calmly letting it all go. I embrace this new life for the truth and confusion it brings, and although I am lost in a snow globe of decisions yet to come, I am still alive, and I am squeezing the beauty of that one thing. I am alive. I am getting through all of this on my own, alone, not wavering for a moment from what I need, not what I want, but what I need, and in the process of all this, I've fallen hopefully in love with me. I'm unfolding a new life of change and dreams in every corner of who I am, and what I want is coming to me. I am said girl, and Dude!, I'm f'ing awesome! And now that I'm learning to love myself, define who I am through my own shades, decide what I want from my true intuition, my f'ing awesomeness just exploded like a pinata, only it wasn't filled with Tootsie Roll Pops and Sweet Tarts, it was filled with more f'ing awesomeness, which I am now casually collecting off the grass, since there is nobody else but me here to grab it. Don't worry though, I'm saving it all for when it's time to share.
*(f'ing awesomeness list upon request)


  1. JG
    I could have told you how fing awesome you were from the first time I met you. When I think back upon all the people I have been lucky enough to know in my life, you are up there on the top of the list. When you give yourself to someone, it's 100%, not half assed. But, I am so glad that you have found the one person in your life you can depend on when you need them the most, and that's you. You have to love yourself first and put your needs first right now. I am sorry for the pain you are going through, but you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and you will be just fine ;)

  2. No wait, the one person you can depend on is...ME! Girls will come and go, but I will always be there to make you possibly wish I'd go away. You can depend on me for at least that.

  3. before you delete this blog, i would like to formally request your f'ing awesomeness list.

    i may have spent a limited number of minutes with you, but it was pretty obvious that you are an exceptional human being. take heart.