DAY 1 - I'M OFF TO A GREAT F'ING START!!!

Dude! - I'm 4 hours in, and this trip fucking RULZ already!!! I'm in Chicago right now and a drug sniffing German Shepherd just sniffed my bag and gave a confident once over around my balls, not to mention there is a completely normal looking woman reading a Latin smut mag next to me. Oh, and let's not forget that I slapped a man at 4 A.M. this morning. Yeah, that's right, I slapped a man. ALL TRUE!
I fucking swear it!!!

Today I left Los Angeles beginning my epic 48 State odyssey across America, and I'll tell you now, I'm off to a great fucking start! This morning I hit the lottery with the 1 out of 14 bajillion chance of slapping another man. You see, 999 times out of 1000, if a man gets slapped it's because he's cheated, which disappointingly left my chances of ever slapping another dude somewhere around 1 out of 14 bajillion, but like I said, today's my lucky day. This morning at 4 A.M., my weed reeking, stoned out of his gourd, fluffy shirt wearing Super Shuttle driver arrived at my place to take me to LAX. I am headed to Detroit for the weekend, which is where I pick up my rental car and begin my journey. Well F! Look at the time. Because I'm limited for minutes here I unfortunately have to cut to the chase. This is what happened; shortly after my driver picked me up, my suspicions regarding his right to own a valid California driver's license were confirmed when he slept through a green light. Shortly thereafter he fell asleep twice on the freeway en route to Los Angeles International Airport, which is when, AS A DRAMATIC ATTEMPT TO SAVE MY OWN LIFE, I was forced to take matters into my own hands so I slapped the man from the back seat. It was fucking SCARY and god damn CRAZY!! Truly, that's not even the half of it. To Be Contintued...

Post Script: now it seems as though Bart Simpson is paging "Mr. Packer" here at Chicago O'hare... man, I can't wait to see what's next! 46 more states to go!!!..